God Hates Hillary Clinton

I’m not one to harp on politics around this joint. What the hell am I talking about? I haven’t harped on anything at all in ages. But in the interest of getting things rocking again in a suitable manner, we’re going to start with this painfully shallow, fairly obvious observation. 

I wouldn’t vote for Hillary Clinton if she promised me my own blue and red locomotive and then spearheaded a deal between Al Davis and the Devil that allowed Al to buy his soul back.  Now, 90% of this has to do with my being a government-hating libertarian, so it’s not like I agree with her on much of anything. But the other 10% of me is completely turned off for two reasons, 1) she’s a ball-busting, insincere, poll-catering dragon with the personality of a cold muffin, and 2) her voice sparks memories of my mum henpecking my dad into oblivion for not fixing that squeaky kitchen cabinet.

Look, I know that a double standard applies with the ball-busting issue. Hillary gets aggressive and she’s a bitch. Obama and McCain get aggressive and they’re strong leaders. Truth be told, being labeled as a bitch really isn’t so terrible. "Bitch" isn’t just a word; it’s a lifestyle. Embrace it. But if you’re gonna be a bitch, don’t be an insincere, poll-catering dragon and don’t have a voice that puts angels into the fetal position. It’s as simple as that.

When Clinton and Obama got into it during that hellish Democratic debate a couple weeks ago, I had to plug my ears and resist the temptation to clean my room or take out of the trash. I felt lazy just watching. As if there were chores to be done and I was futzing around with video games, Legos and cartoons. If my mum had called, I would have broken down in tears and apologized for having to be told so many times.

In some ways, it’s really too bad for Hillary. We can’t help the voices with which we’re born. I sound like a sultry English vixen. Hillary, on the other hand, sounds like a screeching harpy with a voice that makes me want to throw my brain into a blender. I guess God just hates some of us.

At first I thought Hillary had a tone issue or maybe she was just dealing with tough subjects. But even when she’s pretending to be comforting, I want to yell back, "Ugh! I know! I did it!!!" And then mutter "bitch" and something about how I can’t wait to move out under my breath. As a result, I can’t imagine the reaction of psychos like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong Il and other chaps that don’t even like women when she scolds them for being hate-mongering killers. Hillary’s first words to these men may be her last.

What, too much? 

I know I’m way off topic here but in context of all of this, it’s really no wonder Bill Clinton couldn’t/can’t keep his snake in its cage. Close your eyes and imagine getting head from a woman that looks like the Witch in Snow White (when she was the haggard old woman with the apple, not the Queen. She was a hot bitch) and then looks up and asks if you like it. Not only does this translate into "Get the hell off my lawn!" but your penis has likely retreated somewhere near your liver and is quivering in fear.

Dammit. Now I’ve gone too far.

My original point to this post was to laugh at the following display of awesomeness. While perusing Paste last night, I spotted an article indicating that the Grateful Dead were reuniting for one show – "and one show only – in an attempt to Barak voters all night long." I didn’t even know these chaps were still alive. But I have to say that no matter how many high-delegate states Hillary wins, when the Dead are so offended that they come out of their ganja-induced haze to re-purpose their logo and motivate people to vote for your opponent, you’re in trouble.