The Three Lions & The Pits of Despair
[JK Rowling should pen another book just to use this post title. Now on to our regularly scheduled program...]
Steve McClaren is a fucking muppet.
As you’re aware by now, David Beckham will return to the national side for tomorrow’s friendly against Brazil and our Euro qualifier at Estonia. More tragic than his actual return to the colours is that he may even start. Why, you ask? Well, according to McClown:
"Everyone knows David’s attributes and he’s a big-game player who can help us win in Estonia… We’ve a very important game in Estonia, we need to win it."
Ah yes, Estonia. That old powerhouse where footballs are still made out of grass and animal bladder. Goldenballs, please save us!
What McClaren meant to say was, "Since this team can’t accomplish anything due to my tactical buffoonery and inability to recognize the futility of placing Steven Gerrard and Frank Lumpalard in the same midfield, I’m calling David Beckham back on a hope and a prayer that he can keep me from getting run out of England on a shutter. Why Becks? Because, well, his right foot is a national treasure, right? Right, lads?"
Pardon me while I vomit.
I developed an ulcer and a migraine immediately upon hearing the news and for five days, had nothing to offer anyone but my own confusion. Sadly, not much has changed. All I’ve really managed to do thus far is shake my head, knock back a pint or 12 and wallow in England’s continued misery. Contrary to belief, Becks’ appointment doesn’t make me angry. Not in the least. It makes me weepy and sad. Once again, the Three Lions are trapped in a rudderless ship that is captained by a witless, braindead git more concerned with his own hide than English football. Though there was never a day when I believed that McClown would return us to our rightful place on the international stage, there did exist a time when I had a glimmer of hope. A shiny, little glimmer. But hope, I’m afraid, is a Sysiphisian task.
What’s sad is things started out well enough. Though ranked somewhere around 81 on the list of managers best fit to replace Sven, McClown still knew enough to sack Becks. Kicking his celebrity circus to the curb last August was a brilliant, necessary gesture that affirmed a commitment to ridding this squad of the taint left behind by the axis of naffness.
But alas. Here we are again – up to our necks in the circus – and as much as the media and McClown try to infect the masses with deceit…
("Anybody who has watched him closely over the past three or four weeks, and on Saturday [in a 3-1 victory over Deportivo la Coruña], must understand why David is in the squad.")
… David Beckham is no better now than he was 8 months ago. But don’t expect McClown to have figured that out. Instead of watching his supposed saviour in the flesh, he has opted to judge Beck’s resurgence on the scientific proof of statistical computer printouts and sensationalistic articles that fellate their subjects as only the footie media can:
"It is widely acknowledged in the Spanish capital that Beckham’s resurgence has been instrumental in Real Madrid’s move to the top of the table… His form is impossible to ignore – he has inspired his teammates."
Yah huh. Is Becks playing with more fire? Certainly. Is he actually running instead of jogging in place while waiting for dead balls? Yeah, sometimes! But is he so improved that he can lead us through the fire and into the Euros? Not a chance.
Of the past ten La Liga matches for Real – you know, the ones that he’s leading them through – old Goldenballs has suited up for three. You got that? Three. And that, according to the delusional pollyanas out there, is all we need to send a little message up to Heaven that says: "Hit the road, Jesus. We’ve got Goldenballs."
Let me tell you something – a Galactico playing three league games at the level expected of his ridiculous salary is no saviour or beacon of hope for the future. Becks has made some nice plays in the last few weeks, but on the whole, he still plays football the way old people fuck. And though he might dead ball lead us through this monstrous battle against the mighty, winless Estonia, what will we do in the coming months? How will we fair against Russia home and away? Croatia? Israel? What will happen when we’ve traded in our last shred of dignity for a player that trains for international competition in various centers of excellence like Dick’s Sporting Goods Park? Give me Aaron Lennon, give me David Bentley. At least they’re youths working toward making England great and aren’t plying their trade with the junior varsity league of football.
If we need David Beckham to get past Estonia – a team the Three Lions could beat if I were on their right wing – there’s no reason to get on the bloody plane. We should hang up our boots for the season and focus on World Cup 2010. With 3 years to get ready, there’s no way we can cock that up, right?
23 Comments
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I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.
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A midfield of Beckham, Gerrard, Lampard and Cole now where have I seen that fail on a regular basis before?
I’ve reached a level of despondency not seen since the Turnip/Carlton Plamer era, I hope Brazil realise they don’t need two holding midfielders and teach us a lesson tonight at the PrawnBowl.
And I’m even thinking for the good of the country would failure in Estonia be that bad?
“but on the whole, he still plays football the way old people fuck.”
Be careful with that type of statement. Viagra is changing the game for old farts. They’re going at it like rabbits!
I know what you mean, Toxic. A part of me has been hoping we wouldn’t qualify for Euros just to get this daft bastard out the way but that means his sacking is still a year off. Failure at Estonia means it happens by next Saturday and leaves us plenty of time to do a REAL coaching search, get the right man and prepare for 2010.
Best Line: “…but on the whole, he still plays football the way old people fuck.” LOL
Isn’t it sad that we’re considering the Estonia game a big game? The Three Lions should be beating these guys with their team b squad now matter what situation they’re in. But thanks to McClowns tactical impotence we’re in this mess.
1) it’s time I got an icon like the rest of you yobs.
2) I can’t hope for a loss to Estonia but if it happens, I won’t complain. It’s time for the FA to come under serious heat for their selection. There’s only so much criticism that McClown should rightfully receive. He’s doing the best he can but his best isn’t close to good enough. Blame for everything in McClown’s tenure falls on the FA’s shoulders. They owe this nation and the lads an apology and proper amends.
I hate Beckham as much as the next man but until we get someone to replace him, what choice do we have?
I figured the beautiful sand and surf would mellow you out, apparently not. The greatest tragedy here (given my ignorance and indifference toward the topic at hand), is that I had to bear the mental image of random, Golden Girls-esque people fucking. Have mercy!
We shall never make a lick of progress as long as people fail to see that we have to take sacrifices for the future. Unlike some teams that reload, we must rebuild and in order for that to happen, we have to be dedicated to the goal. Beckham is a bandaid solution on a wound that needs surgery, 1,000 sutures and a blood transfusion. Why isn’t this something that can be understood?
Erik, if you whispered “David Beckham” to her in her sleep, she’d wake up and start breaking shit. No amount of surfing is gonna change that.
Steve McClaren should be an enemy of the state.
Is there any situation where you guys would like to have Beckham on the team?
“Is there any situation where you guys would like to have Beckham on the team?”
Possibly a humiliating defeat by Estonia.
Well said Toxic, well said
“Erik, if you whispered “David Beckham” to her in her sleep, she’d wake up and start breaking shit.”
I’ve been called crazy, but I’m neither stupid nor suicidal. Honestly, I’d be more likely to whisper something like, “What the hell are you still doing here?”
I joke, I joke!
“If David was playing in the park with his mates, I’d still have him in the England squad because when he delivers balls like that they make goals and that is vital.”
“If David was playing in the park with his mates, I’d still have him in the England squad because when he delivers balls like that they make goals and that is vital.”
-Frank Lampard
Methinks Trevor is an American.
It’s the only explanation, Fitz. No one that actually knows football can be that much of a daft bastard to go about quoting the likes of Frank Lampard.
lol It’s pretty obvious that Trevor isn’t being serious. Nobody takes Lumpalard seriously.
Hey guys, don’t rag on all Americans. We’re not all retarded. I have no love for your national team but that lump of shit might be the most overrated player of all time, particularly in international ball. If he wasn’t on Chelsea with no one to generate goals for him, he’d have about 3 per season.
Hey Trevor, what you left off was the rest of Lumps quote:
“Unlike me, who hasn’t contributed dick to England in all my years in the shirt.”
Good job finding the valid source quote, buddy. Next time, be “Trevor on behalf of somebody soccer fans take seriously.”
Is Trevor really Mr. Brooking?
(Do you get many Yanks called Trev?)
@ Trevor: Less Fox Football Fone-In mate. Because they have accents doesn’t mean they know shit about football.