Warning! Raiders Draft Does Not Compute

Being a glutton for punishment, I tuned in to the NFL Draft on Saturday equipped with 2 six packs of Rogue Brutal Bitter and a box of Kleenex. I was going to need both for a variety of reasons with Oakland’s continued commitment to mediocrity being one of my primary concerns.

While the talking heads ran their mouths about nothing in particular, I began entertaining thoughts of a draft day trade where the Raiders ended up with Calvin Johnson, a free agent quarterback, and a bevy of draft picks. These delusions of grandeur got a little running room when Ed Werder appeared with rumors and conjecture but I snapped back into reality when Roger Goodell announced the obvious – the Raiders, attempting to make up for missing Matt Leinart and Jay Cutler in 2006 – were going with Jamarcus Russell as the #1 pick in 2007… Color me disappointed… I see "bust" written all over this kid and if that’s true, our franchise will be set back another ten years. I hope I’m wrong.

I downed six beers over the course of the first round but then, in the second, something magical happened: "The Oakland Raiders draft Zach Miller, Tight End, from Arizona State."

The number two tight end on the board? I couldn’t help but wonder if the Raiders were taking this draft seriously. Where were the DBs? The lightning-quick athletes with no actual position? The D-IAA or DII lineman that dominated the Directional Liberal Arts Conference? I could only conclude that someone in the war room must have realized that the Raiders haven’t had a tight end that could catch since Dave Casper Todd Christensen*.

I’m not even sure where our current crop of tight ends came from. The starter, Courtney Anderson, is a 7th round pick from 04 who has no redeeming qualities but I can’t make heads or tails on the rest of our guys. I remember Doug Jolley being on the roster but I’m not sure what happened to him. At some point, we were also pained with non-skill of Teyo Johnson, a Stanford product who is likely making pancakes these days in Michael Huff’s IHOP. Hmm. Well anyway, Mel Kiper called Miller a poor man’s Todd Heap (we passed on Heap to waste money on Derrick Gibson) and I’ll take it, gladly.

From there, the goodness just piled on. Quentin Moses (DE), Mario Henderson (OT), God smiled when we picked up RB Michael Bush out of Louisville, and then, the most glorious news of all: Randy Moss to the Patriots! Granted, we got him in exchange for a sack of dirty towels and a bottle of Tide but I don’t really care.

I have sat in seething hatred of the New England Patriots since the Tuck Rule ruined my hopes way back in 2002. Though I have developed reasons to root for them every now and again, that pain will never leave and a part of me is always rooting for their demise. Being excited about Randy Moss making a new home with them, especially when he still rips a 4.29-40, is in complete opposition to that. But Randy Moss and his quitter’s attitude was a cancer in the Raider locker room. He has made no secret of his distaste for the new staff, new system, and new quarterback, and if we are to get anything accomplished with Opie Taylor leading the way, he had to go. While it would have been nice to get more for him than a sack of dirt, no team would have ever gone for it. What’s he done in the last three years other than bitch, moan, and take plays off? No GM in their right mind is paying top dollar for a POS like that. Oh well. It’s going to sting like mad when Tom Brady lights Moss up for 7 touchdowns at the next two Super Bowls but we’re better off in the long run.

All of this good draft news notwithstanding, I still got sodding rat arsed. It was just too much to handle all in one day. System overload, I suppose. By the time Day 1 was over, I was out of beer, out of sorts, and out of commission. All in all, however, a Bravo to Al Davis and the Raiders. I don’t know how they managed to not cock this up but I know better than to ask too many questions.

Draft Grade: B
Explanation: Jamarcus Russell = -10 percentage points. Sorry. I’m just petty that way.  

*A fine chap named Barry C corrected an oversight, advising that we actually have had a tight end that could catch since Dave Casper – the mighty HOFer Todd Christensen.