Tony Dungy Does it “The Lord’s Way”

So a few of us went to the Super Bowl this weekend, which was amazing until we were eating breakfast on Sunday and noticed the rain. But even then, we were in good spirits because the local weather-types were pretty sure that the chance of rain at kickoff was only 30%… thirty percent… meaning, "eh… I suppose it’s possible but whatever." These people can eat a bag of dicks. The way it was raining out there, a huge green circle must have been hovering over the city the way skank hangs over Pigpen from Peanuts. 30%. If you’re allowed to be that wrong and still keep your job, then I need a new line of work.

Anyway, I spent the game with a wet arse and bad hair – *small prices to pay to see Prince perform live but annoying all the same. That said, I was more confused about the rain’s presence than annoyed by the discomfort it caused — rain on Super Bowl Sunday is supposed to be a myth, spook story you tell to little kids particularly in Miami where rain is simply too gloomy and unattractive to survive. What could it possibly be doing there on the last great sporting event until Opening Day? I know God was looking to make this process as hard on Peyton Manning as possible but did he have to give the rest of us a rough go as well? It wasn’t exactly fair. But I will take the soggy knickers, chills, and sniffles every day of the week over the horror that awaited me this morning. 

I had to be at work at 0530 for speed training, which put an axe on partying all night and returning later this afternoon. But while it was brutally cold when we left, I had no idea that we’d return to -6 degree weather and a windchill of -25. As if it was any consolation, the weatherman was happy to report anticipated high for the day of 3.

When it’s 3, why say anything at all? 3, -3, -33. Isn’t it all the same? It’s not like I’ll be able to forgo the scarf knowing that the temperature will rise from -6 to fucking 3. To add insult to injury, my metal barbell in my tongue froze to my lip when I was walking from my car to the building this morning…maybe I could’ve avoided it had I waited until we hit 3 degrees.

But before I comment on the Christians, I’m going back to Prince. He is the greatest live performer that I’ve ever seen and easily one of the best living American musicians (and guitarists, in general). So while last night was a throwback to 1984 with a few shite covers thrown in, I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated the opportunity to see him play again. And frankly, I’d rather hear "Let’s Go Crazy" and "Purple Rain," in the driving rain no less, than Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson, or any other TRL superstar. i’m only disappointed that we weren’t treated to "When Doves Cry" and some bare buttcheeks. Either one could have added something really special. 

Christians: I saw the following postgame quote from Tony Dungy in the New York Times this morning:

“I tell you what, I’m proud to be representing African-American coaches, to be the first African-American coach to win this,” Dungy said. “It means an awful lot to our country. But again, more than anything, I said it before, Lovie Smith and I, not only the first two African-Americans, but Christian coaches showing you can win doing it the Lord’s way. We’re more proud of that.”

What, exactly, is the Lord’s way? Is it just not being from the Vince Lombardi School of Verbal Assault? Is it being calm and collected? Because I’ll tell you, the fire and brimstone God that I know – Christians will know him from the Old Testament – isn’t about calm and chill. Though it’s true that he is a loving, compassionate God, He is also vengeful, hot-tempered, and will not hesitate to kick you in the teeth with his Mighty Boot of Justice, also known as Samael, the Angel of Death.

This method is a lot more fierce than cussing and berating your players. Don’t get it twisted, Tony. Your way isn’t necessarily God’s way. And in the unlikely event that it actually is, your Super Bowl win isn’t more sanctified as a result. Get over yourself.

*The rain didn’t ruin my experience. Was it annoying? Yes. But it was still a great time.