Sword-Wielding Virgin Mistakes Porn Sounds for Rape
If there’s any time and place to get a good wank on, you’d think it’d be when one is alone in the privacy of his or her own home. No worries about interruptions or fears of being caught. It’s just you and… you. It’s the time when you look down at yourself and say, “You can scream if you want to but nobody’s gonna hear ya!” At least, that’s how it’s supposed to be.
While hanging out in his bedroom, James Van Iveren heard a woman’s screams coming from the floor above him. Thinking she was getting raped, he did what any sensible 39-year-old man would do — he said to hell with the cops and went all Prince Valiant, grabbing a cavalry sword and bounding up the stairs to save his lady fair.
Trouble was, there wasn’t a rape. Hell, there wasn’t even a woman! The screams and moans were emanating from his neighbor’s tv. You see, Brett Stieghorst was watching porn and likely having a right go at things. That is, until Van Iveren pounded on his door and then kicked it in.
Van Iveren then demanded to know where the raped woman was, repeatedly shouting, “WHERE IS SHE??!” while thrusting his sword at his neighbor. As a result, the poor guy was forced to open all of his closet doors to prove that the only person being violated in the apartment was himself.
But if you listen to Van Iveren, that’s not exactly how it was supposed to go:
“I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened.”
That’s understating the issue just a tad, don’t ya think? When you burst into an apartment and a guy is standing there with his dick in his hand, the natural reaction is to freeze and then walk away. You don’t run around his apartment! “I had the sword extended. But that was all,” he said. Imagine this scene — a Dwight Schrute type brandishing a sword and poking through closets while April Showers moans obnoxiously in the background from taking it cowgirl, sideways, bareback, and every position in between. It’s almost too good to be true.
What do you want to bet that Van Iveren, a 39-year-old man that lives with his mother, rolled his 20-sided die in hopes of determining his level of success before attempting rescue? If that was the case, I can totally see why he didn’t bother to call the police. I mean, come on – guns are cool and all but when going up against the armor class of a rapist, they don’t do the job quite like a natural 17 rocking an attack bonus and a +5 strength modifier.
“Now I feel stupid,” said Van Iveren, who has been charged with a multitude of misdemeanors as a result. “This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake.”
Ya know, I can’t help but agree with him on that point. I mean, look at the guy. Look at his life situation. It’s a true stretch of the imagination to believe he knows what a woman sounds like in bed let alone in porn. Anything short of laughter probably sounds like rape. The closest I imagine Mr. Van Iveren has ever come to a sexual situation with a woman is the Night Elf that he has cyber sex with while playing World of Warcraft and Christ, that’s probably a dude.
Hit cnn for the video interview with Stieghorst who intends to keep watching porn – just with sound down.
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Wow! That is hysterical. What’s even better is the neighbor doesn’t give one shit about being called out for porn. “Sir, will this stop you from watching porn?” “Pfft! Hell no!!”
I’m pretty sure Van Iveren is in this video:
South Park – World Of Warcraft
SWEET. Never saw that episode. I used to have a roommate like that freshman year in college. that fat ass sat around in his jockeys playin this shit all night and all weekend. Sometimes he’d be so greasy from the Cheetos, pizza rolls, and Doritos that his hand would slip off his mouse and he’d get all fucked up.
Personally, I think the guy is a hero. Had a woman been there, he would have been hailed as such. Hopefully none of us ever face a situation where we are getting raped and the neighbors ignore our screams thinking they are porn.
On one level, you gotta feel bad for this guy for totally embarrassing himself but at the same time, only the most fucked up, crazy porn could be misconstrued as screams of rape.
Forget the virgin, the first problem with this story is this cat that got caught spankin it. he is WAY too proud of what’s goin on. He’s in that video showin off his whole set up and his plans! The only way watchin porn is acceptable is if you pretend to feel some shame about it.
Personally, I think the guy is a hero. Had a woman been there, he would have been hailed as such. Hopefully none of us ever face a situation where we are getting raped and the neighbors ignore our screams thinking they are porn.
Sorry to break it to you Meme, but the news is reporting that your “hero” didn’t show up with his sword until the next day.
“According to Stieghorst, the movie ended at 2:30 a.m. and the rescuer didn’t show up until 11:30 a.m., demanding to know where he was hiding the woman.
And the police, after a careful viewing of the evidence, did detect some female screaming in the motion picture but found that the sex appeared to be consensual.”
“after a careful viewing of the evidence”
I bet Cheif Wiggum and the guys viewed it very carefully.
That pic of him he really does look the type that has a sword within easy reach and not a phone.
Thanks for clearin that up with the time thing. I didn’t think he should’ve been arrested if he thought he was saving somebody but 9 hours after the fact is a completely different situation.