Al Davis Hires Doogie Kiffin, O.C.

The coaching job no one wanted is finally filled. After garnering little interest in the coaching world, the Raiders were left with the following options: Steve Sarkisian, James Lofton, and anyone on the planet who thought being an NFL coach would be pretty cool. I suppose I could add Dennis Green to that list but he didn’t interview, opting instead to let his 16-32 record over the last 3 years speak for itself. Unique strategy.

It’s really a shame about Green though. I thought he was the perfect candidate to lead this Raider ship on the final leg of our journey into the bowels of NFL Hell but I guess he had better things to do. Not surprisingly, so did Steve Sarkisian, USC’s 32-year-old assistant head and quarterbacks coach. Always the front runner over Hall of Famer and Chargers receivers coach James Lofton, Sarkisian was all hearts and stars after his first interview. But when an offer was made, he ditched the job with a "Thanks for the rep boost, Al. Rather than let you put my balls in your desk drawer, I’m gonna stay down in LA and collect championship rings until a real job comes along."

That left the Raiders back at square one, so we turned to Lane Kiffin, a bloke that recently interviewed for the vacant OC position.

Other than rumors of his involvement in a Pete Carroll power play against Norm Chow, I know little about him. He’s 31. His dad is Buccaneer defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin, architect of the Tampa Cover 2. He became the OC at USC two years ago and his NFL experience is limited to a season of bitch work defensive quality control for the Jags.

And now he’s the 16th head coach of the Silver & Black.

Hiring this guy was so fucking clutch!!

Al Davis likes to hire young, innovative coaches with offensive minds.. he loves giving these blokes their first shot. But Jesus Christ. Lane Kiffin’s innovation extends to re-numbering the pages in Norm Chow’s playbook! Is there anyone in Oakland who takes this seriously? Here’s a snippet from the press release:

Under Kiffin’s leadership in 2006, the Trojans finished first in the Pac-10 in passing efficiency, averaging 264 yards per game, produced two 1,000-yard receivers (Dwayne Jarrett-1,105, Steve Smith-1,083) and a 3,000-yard passer (John David Booty-3,347).

In 2005, Kiffin was named one of the nation’s Top 25 recruiters and served as coordinator of an offense that ranked in the top six nationally in every offensive category, including tops in total offense (579.8 yards per game) and second in scoring offense (49.1), and set Pac-10 records for total offensive yardage, first downs, points scored, touchdowns and PATs. The Trojans, who scored 50 points a school-record seven times, won games by an average of 26.2 points.

Kiffin’s play-calling and design enabled Bush to capture the 2005 Heisman and the Trojans to become the first school to have a 3,000-yard passer (Matt Leinart-3,815), a pair of 1,000-yard runners (Bush-1,777, LenDale White-1,319) and a 1,000-yard receiver (Dwayne Jarrett-1,274) in a season.

No! No! No!

1. USC could have finished first in the Pac-10 in passing efficiency if the bush baby from American Idol was in the booth! When the system for an offensive juggernaut has been in place since, at least, 2002 and your players are absurd NFL talents, there’s no real way to take credit for their inevitable  success! The real challenge of that job was doing your best to stay out of the way and avoid fucking up a sure thing!
2. Recruiting skill means dick. If that’s so important, then here’s what he needs to do — limber up those texting thumbs, fuel up the Raiders jet, and start making home visits to the blue-chip free agents on the market this off-season. If he’s such a masterful seller, sign the talent. I want to see what you can do when you’re selling a laughing stock franchise and an owner that has the Ebola virus on his face instead of Pete Carroll, rings, and Paris Hilton’s va-jay-jay.
3. Kiffin taking credit for the plays that won the Heisman for Reggie Bush is like the wind taking credit for Carl Lewis’s gold medals. When play-calling and design is summed up by the words "Give Reggie the ball and watch the magic," that is not impressive.

But in settling back to reality, what choice did we really have? No one with functioning neural pathways wanted the job. We’d been turned down by college coaches – one without any head coaching experience, no less – two years in a row. And with a desperate Jerry Jones on the loose, anyone that could be swayed would head to Dallas long before signing up to be the new Manchurian Candidate in the Bay. It’s like we’re Jim from American Pie and we’ve been so widely mocked and despised for so long that our only choice was to settle with the band chick from USC…

But hey, maybe it’s really not so bad. I mean, Jim did lose his virginity on the night of prom, which was the goal all along! So maybe Kiffin will pop our figurative cherry and lead us to heights unimagined — crazy stuff like NOT leading the NFL in sacks allowed, NOT finishing with the fewest points (168) in franchise history, and NOT being held without an offensive touchdown for eight straight games. Who knows, with a little luck and a lot of smooth talking, we could get Lane Kiffin to coach us to three wins next year!

Go Raiders!