Tony Kornheiser: Tom Brady is Like Shirley Maclaine

The Chevy Silverado commercial played at every commercial break during the baseball playoffs and four times in the first quarter of Sunday Night Football. I imagine more than a few chumps out there fell for the montage of sacred historical images set to a jingoistic soundtrack and went right out to buy themselves a truck. I suppose I can’t blame GM for using flag-waving McPatriotism to force a product upon the masses because hey, it works. But that doesn’t make their ad campain any less shameful and foul.

But the worst thing about the ad is that it aired literally every 5 minutes. But even after three weeks of being beaten over the head with that crap, there’s still nothing that makes my ears bleed more Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football.

Though I mentioned this a week ago, it bears repeating — I would rather swallow thumbtacks than suffer Kornheiser’s voice. In print, he’s fine. But when he speaks, it’s like a shrill Larry David without the random shenanigans, sense of comedic timing, and skill for unscripted humor.

The more comfortable Kornheiser becomes in the booth, the worse he gets. Sure, he makes jokes and tosses barbs at Theismann, which, from what I understand, is the whole point of putting him in the booth. But his jokes aren’t funny and the barbs (when they aren’t going over Joe’s head) aren’t clever. To make matters worse, he has turned emphasizing the excrutiatingly obvious into an artform and may end up polishing more knob this season than I’ll manage in 10.

Tonight, TK took his fellating to the next level – a truly bizarre level that I can only think was inspired by his need to show Joe Theismann just how smart he actually is.

A couple weeks ago, viewers were treated to TK’s jabber about Matt Leinart’s similarities to Vinnie Chase of Entourage, a show he’s likely never seen. And tonight, he fell off the deep-end by comparing Tom Brady’s unlikely path to glory to that of Academy-award winning actress, Shirley Maclaine.

Brady marched New England 74 yards over 11 plays for a touchdown just before halftime. While the camera focused on him during the ensuing kickoff, Kornheiser went into fellatio overdrive, noting Brady’s role as the understudy who made the most of his opportunity.

It was like "Shirley Maclaine going in for Gwen Verdon in The Pajama Game, though I’m doing broadway musicals here… "In the first big shot he’s got, he does as a young man, he wins the super bowl… He’s a legend in his own time… He’s Paul Revere up there right now."

Forget the Paul Revere comment; it’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard but not annoying enough for me to throw down multiple paragraphs of rant. I have other concerns… well, they’re concerns if you’re a girl with way too much useless knowledge or a guy who’s really into showtunes (and you know who you are). I’m speaking to an incredibly small group right now, and I know that. Bear with me.

Kornheiser has long insisted that he knows nothing about football, so I won’t begrudge him making allusions to comparitive situations occuring in other aspects of life. But if you’re going to take that road, do us all a favor and get it right.

As sophisticated as you were trying to pretend you were, Tony, Gwen Verdon wasn’t in The Pajama Game! Shirley Maclaine was the understudy to Carol Haney in that musical and it was Haney’s broken ankle that allowed Maclaine the exposure to get her Paramount contract and become a star. The only time Gwen Verdon took time off from the stage was for the birth of a child. And when she returned, she starred as Charity in Sweet Charity and that musical was eventually made into a movie starring Shirley Maclaine.

Now, I know you don’t think anyone watching Monday Night Football actually knows anything about Broadway but there are a few of us out there. And if you’re gonna go out of your way act like a tool, get the facts straight before you run your mouth.

Perhaps Kornheiser should bring Tony Reali along for the Oakland-Seattle game. I’m sure he’d have no problem pulling a double shift as Stat Boy once a week.

"Next day on your dressing room they’ve hung a star, but there’s no business like show business." – Tony Kornheiser, screwing up Irving Berlin’s famous lyrics, after being bashed by Mike Tirico.

Two Games in a Row Makes a Streak!

Don’t look now but my Oakland Raiders are officially riding a winning streak!

When we stopped the Steelers with about 2 minutes left to play, I tempered my enthusiasm. If I know anything it’s that the Raiders will find a way to crap on my heart but luckily, Najeh Davenport’s ineptitude got in the way.

I never would have thought a team could amass 51 passing yards, 83 rushing yards, and one interception and still come away with a 7 point win but thanks to Ben Roethlisberger’s ever-deteriorating brain function and Bill Cowher’s complete refusal to insert Charlie Batch, this impossibility came to fruition.

My only wish is that we could replace the Bengals game on December 10 with the Steelers to capture our third win of the season. I have to figure by the way Roethlisberger is regressing, he’ll be completely braindead and good for 8 or 9 interceptions by then.  

I’m Driving a Lesbian Car

So I was in line at Subway last night when I noticed some random woman eyeballing me. Initially, I didn’t think anything of it. People stare at others for a myriad of reasons… you could have something on your face or look familiar or just happen to be standing in a line of unfocused sight.

All was well until she caught my eye again, winked at me, and mouthed out a “hi there.” I thought I smiled back or tried to anyway. Whether it actually happened is anyone’s guess. What I know for certain is that the nutritional information of the Honey Oat and Monterrey Cheddar breads had never been so intriguing.

I stared straight ahead and sidestepped my way down the line. I’d just paid when I heard, “Roasted chicken breast, huh? I’ve never tried that. I really like this new cajun steak they’ve got goin.”

It was the woman. And she was a lot more scary than the first time I tried to ignore her.

As a lot of you know, I’m a bit of a runt with a serious Napoleon complex and a lot of pent up aggression. I’m just aching for any perceived slight, any comment that will send me off the deep end. But when I get hit on by a 5’11, 220-pound, woman that’s sporting a mullet, a Harley Davidson sweatshirt, and a box of Camels in her hand, I get intimidated and shut down.

What’s bizarre is that this doesn’t happen with men. Save one, every man in my life has exceeded 6’3 and 200 pounds because, frankly, I like a guy with the ability to throw me around. So size wasn’t an issue. And if I’m getting eyeballed by some chump, I either have fun with or ignore it altogether. So it’s not like I clam up and struggle to function when things like that occur. But when a woman enters the picture, I come up woefully short in avoidance management and have no explanation for it.

“You’re a doll. A blonde with dimples. What’s your name?”It felt very Joey “How you doin” Tribiani. And I’ll admit, the flattery was nice but her intensity made me uncomfortable and I wanted to respond like this:

Instead, I muttered a thank you and hung my head, already defeated and completely vexed by her inability to notice my extreme state of discomfort. She started in on the small talk. I don’t know how long it lasted but eventually, she mentioned Chris & AJ. “Are either of those guys a.. boyfriend?” “Roommates.” A boyfriend claim would’ve ended this situation but I’m brain dead.

“Ohhh, right. I used to have a guy roommate too. So I was noticing your hair! You’ve got that cheerleader ponytail. Are you a cheerleader or something?”

Suddenly, things changed. It was time to get aggressive. If you’re gonna hit on me and make me feel small, fine. You’re a gigantic woman who might throw me over your shoulder and take me to the cave if I don’t tread lightly and I acknowledge your ability to do that. But don’t think that you can insult me with comments like that and get away with it! I’ll have to die fighting!

“Well I don’t know what you expect. You came in that Jeep and that’s as much a sign as anything! You look about 16 anyway. Go home to your mommy. Brat!”

I am a brat, so no offense was taken but what did the sign talk mean? To the best of my knowledge, lesbians drive Subarus, Hondas, and pickups. I wasn’t aware that Jeeps were in the mix.

When I got home, I hit The Google and sure enough, on the Ultimate Gay & Lesbian Cars list:

#3 (lesbian): Jeep Wrangler. Sure, the Subaru has more gas mileage but the Wrangler is decidedly more butch.”

Comments from Cartalk and Lesbian Life readers:

Every lesbian wants a Jeep

The typical lesbian car… especially white with black leather accessories and round headlights.

It’s not the most comfortable ride in town, but pull up to the lesbian bar with the top down and the girls will know right away you’re a good-time gal.

Even more astonishing is that my car shows up on the gay male list as well!

#4: Jeep Wrangler. A veritable boy magnet. Red is a must and no mud please. Go for the long romantic drive before dinner, however, or you’ll lose your creme brulee on the ride home.

It’s a regular boy-magnet!

The ultimate male homobile seems lately to be the Jeep Wrangler. It easily converts from topless cruiser to butch 4×4 to match your mood (and your outfit!). Hey, I’ve got one!

Jeep Wrangler: It just swooshes with hyper-masculinity, without requiring the owner to ACTUALLY FIX SOMETHING till the warranty is up! Ooh, then sell it, honey!

I would have to say it’s the Jeep Wrangler. All of that open air, open space, party beads hanging from the rearview mirror. And not to mention showing off the tan you got while waiting in traffic. Did I mention the dance music blaring from the Jeep?? It’s so gay!

Ya know, I don’t care that gays and lesbians are big on the Jeep Wrangler. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a great car that should be enjoyed by many.

But why does it come with such an extreme stereotype? Further, why didn’t I hear about it prior to last night?

If I drove a Subaru Outback to WNBA games, I’d pull out the Jump to Conclusions Mat myself, so the lot of you could leap all over it. But I drive a Jeep Wrangler with two non-factory accessories – a Doors sticker and a chrome decal. That shouldn’t be an indictment on my sexual orientation… should it?

Drew Bledsoe’s Ego & Other Concerns

While watching Monday Night Football, a few things crossed my mind…

On ESPN’s MNF, the days of introducing yourself and paying homage to your university/high school/elementary school/neighborhood playground are long gone. Now, a featured player from each team’s offense and defense handles the task. But has anyone noticed that not all the names are said?On the defensive side, you get to find out who the ends are, a couple cornerbacks, and maybe a linebacker. And on the offensive side, we’re treated to the quarterback, the wide receivers, a guard, and probably the TE. If we’re lucky, we even get to hear their wacky nicknames.

But what about the guy that doesn’t get the mention? Tiki Barber went through every part of the roster, from Eli Manning to the guy that runs Gatorade bottles out to the field, and neglected to mention Jim Finn – the ONLY fullback on the Giants roster.

What, do you need a Madden ’07 rating at 80 or above to qualify for a mention? I’m pretty sure this theory holds water… Ethan Albright certainly didn’t get introduced when the Redskins played Minnesota in Week 1.

Tom Brady, JP Losman, and now, Tony Romo. If you’re Drew Bledsoe, what’s going on in your head now that you’ve been replaced three times for a younger product whose most immediate upside is that he’s not slower than molasses?The thought of being replaced is enough to nauseate me but not choking on my own uptight arrogance probably has something to do with that.

Bledsoe has been entrenched in the pompous so-and-so category since the early 90s, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he thinks Parcells’ halftime decision was anything more than temporary punishment.

This is, after all, the guy who was telling Buffalo reporters that the Bills were still “his team” after security had packed up his locker and set the contents on a curb in the Ralph Wilson parking lot.

But at bump #3, even the cockiest sumbitch starts questioning his effectiveness, right? And in that end, you’d have to see this as the end of the road, unless, of course, you want to take your ability to get sacked out to the Bay. Andrew Walter needs another 3 years of mentoring before he officially emerges from the wings of development.

We Did It!

The Autumn Wind is a Raider,
Pillaging just for fun,
he’ll knock you around,
and upside down,
and laugh when he’s conquered and won (a game!)

Look out world! We’re comin out, guns blazing!

Dennis Dodd Is A Clean-Shaven Tobias Fünke

CBS Sportsline "writer" Dennis Dodd swung and missed yet again, as he placed Auburn’s freshman linebacker, Tray Blackmon, in his Top 5 Heisman candidates.

Blackmon’s scoop and score sealed Auburn’s victory over #2 Florida and he’d be a decent sleeper pick if he’d played more than, oh, one game in his collegiate career.

What’s next, Dennis? Bruce Gradkowski for NFL MVP?

Stay tuned next week for more genius from a man aptly described by Blue-Gray Sky as a "clean-shaven Tobias Fünke."

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College football fans may have noticed a slimmer, more stylish Phil Fulmer roaming the Tennessee sidelines.

Over the off-season, the coach widely known as "Fat Phil" lost nearly 30 pounds and even traded in his glasses for a pair of contact lenses.

But like all tales of weight loss, the dieter may have won the battle but Krispy Kreme won the war.

(Fulmer’s Belly)

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You can catch the above happenings and quite a few other nuggets in my update today at SportsbyBrooks, so get excited and head over there.  

Bill Parcells Advisory System

It’s another week, so it’s only natural that Terrell Owens would have another gripe.

Last week, he was mad that he wasn’t scoring enough touchdowns and was rewarded with three touchdowns in Dallas’ rout of the Houston Texans. Like any spoiled brat, TO has found that whining makes the world go round and is now irritated that he doesn’t have enough catches in the first half.

"For me, the game is getting boring, you know? In the first half of the last two ballgames, I’m not in the ballgame. That’s not to say I’m not working hard. I’m not sure what the case may be. "It’s not really anybody’s fault," he said. "I just feel like it’s something that needs to be (addressed). … I feel like I need to be in the offense, involved a little bit earlier in the ballgame."

Over the last two games, Owens is actually correct but even the sun shines on a dog’s ass from time to time. The truth is, Owens has been perfectly balanced through five games with 11 receptions in the first and second halves over five games. Further, he’s totaled more yards before halftime (156) than after (121) with all his touchdowns coming in the final two quarters.

My guess is that has more to do with bitching out anyone involved with the offense over halftime than anything else but it’s more likely that with Owens still learning the offense and getting in sync with Bledsoe, it takes a half to get things going.

But not if you ask Owens.

"I feel like any time I step on the field I can make plays," Owens said. "As I’ve said all along, it’s all about the opportunities that I am given."

If I’m following my new Parcells Implosion Advisory System, I’d put the current state of alert for Valley Ranch right around orange.

The GOP: Party of Lincoln, Reagan, and… Mike Tyson

You’ve all seen Dumbo, right? Do you remember when the crows sang "When I See An Elephant Fly" after Timothy, the mouse, concluded that Dumbo must’ve flown into the tree after a night of drunken excess?

I heard a fireside chat,
I saw a baseball bat
And I just laughed till I thought I’d die.
But I’d been done seen about everything
When I see an elephant fly. 

No? Anyone? I suppose that reference was a stretch. But thanks to Mike Tyson, we are seeing the real life equivalent of a pachyderm taking flight:

The Baddest Man on the Planet is on the stump for the the Grand Old Party.

That’s right. Mike Tyson – convicted rapist, possible cannibal, and resident of Bolivian – is on the campaign trail, convincing citizens of Maryland to vote for his ex-brother-in law, Lt. Governor Michael Steele, in the race for the US Senate.

While at a Steele function, Kid Dynamite was clad in a white and blue "Steele for U.S. Senate" t-shirt, stating that while he used to think black Republicans were "sellouts," he’s done his due diligence in researching the issues and the party.

"We have to open our eyes more."

Is this the bizarro world? Is up, down? Is black, white? Are we actually on Htrae?

Well, maybe not. Brace yourselves! I’m about to work out a theory.

Put the GOP’s moralistic agenda aside for a moment and consider that this is an economic issue.

Once one becomes rich, the goal is to maintain said level of wealth while working to increase it over time. And when one rises from poverty to having millions in the bank, spacious homes across the country, and budding entrepreneurial ventures, free-market policies supporting limited regulation, capitalism, and economic liberalism suddenly become matters of import. As such,
it’s likely that this individual’s views will shift to a more western brand of conservatism.

Normally, I wouldn’t imagine this phenomenon operating in reverse but we’re talking about Mike Tyson. Could it happen any other way?

Iron Mike has gone from being the baddest man on the planet to the posterboy for the human shame spiral. The time for his interest in the conservative ideal to be piqued was in the days after Cus D’Amato died and before Don King, Rory Holloway, and John Horne began stealing his money. But it never happened and he spent 20 years making dreadful personal and financial errors, went bankrupt, and is presently getting nickel and dimed by the federal government.

But now, reduced to the role of the dancing bear at the county fair, his eyes have opened to the party that emphasizes the role of personal decision making in fostering economic prosperity…

Given his relationship with the candidate, it’s easy to be suspicious. But Mike Tyson is a man of convictions and even though he’ll probably get mad at the Republicans next week and threaten to eat their hearts and their children, I’m gonna buy it.

… 

I don’t know what idiots would look to Mike Tyson for political advice but kudos to him for helping to rock the vote. That said, I live and work in this country for a large portion of the year, and it’s not comforting to know a man running on the Iron Mike Seal of Approval could enter the Senate this January but I suppose Steele can’t make things worse than they already are. Maybe he can get Tyson to hang out in the chamber and intimidate votes out of others.

"I’m on the Zoloft to keep from killing y’all… but I won’t be anymore if you don’t change your vote to yes, motherfucker!" 

HT: Off Wing Opinion

Leinart & Urlacher Team for an NFL First!

At least, I think it’s an NFL first…

In late 2004, Paris Hilton left a Las Vegas club on Brian Urlacher’s back with a broken stiletto heel in hand. Soon enough, she was spotted at a Bears game wearing an Urlacher jersey.

In early 2006, Hilton was spotted all over LA with Matt Leinart and even showed up in Phoenix a couple times.

Now, we all know Paris Hilton gives it up for candy bars, so it’s fair to assume that both players had a piece.

So what I’d like to know is this – has a starting quarterback and an opposing starting linebacker facing off in Monday Night Football ever had publicized relationships with the same girl? In every NFL town, the ratio of groupies to players is 100:1. Unless the two players went to the same college or play in the same town, the odds that a quarterback and the man assigned to plant his face in the dirt have shacked up with the same woman are pretty low. Granted, we are dealing with Paris Hilton, who would probably do me if I had a strap-on and a million dollars, so that may skew the odds a bit. But still. I’m on to something… I’m also drunk… I’m now pretty sure I’ll feel like a goon for writing this by the morning.

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In other news, Denny Green went batshit after the Arizona Cardinals pulled a Michigan State…

Well… at least he slapped the microphone stand instead of himself.

Nobody Talks Noise in The OB!

I thought the 7th Floor Crew was a creative message to the sporting world that “The U” was back. This was a great relief to me because every sport, especially the sugary world of college football, needs a true badboy.. a team of punks and malcontents jacking people up and making great plays. I love that stuff!

But “If Your Ho Only Knew,” or “Ode to a Gangbang,” as I prefer to call it, wasn’t a message. It simply served as a tiny window into the culture of thuggery many thought had been eliminated by Butch Davis and Larry Coker… but it looks like Coker’s Hans Brinker imitation could only last for so long.

I’m sure you know the story of the brutal melee that took place between Miami and Florida International on Saturday night, so I won’t get into it. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t call attention to the true gem of this shameful affair — the live commentary provided by former Cane receiver/current Comcast broadcaster, Lamar Thomas.

Around the time the first player kicked another in the ribs, Thomas began rooting for the Canes to do more and more damage – “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. You come into our house, your should get your behind kicked.” He also expressed outrage that scrubs from FIU would have the nerve to come up in “the OB” and “talk noise.”

Things took an additional step toward the shameful, however, when Thomas went down memory lane – “If this would have been back in the days [sic], we would have called these guys – ‘Hey, meet us at Tamiami Park and let’s get it on without pads.’” It wasn’t long before he expressed a desire to join the fracas.

Check out the brilliance:

After the brawl was over, Miami’s players started jumping up and down with pride. You see, they’d successfully defended the Orange Bowl from big bad Florida International, a school who has had a football program for all of 4 seasons. When play resumed, I sent a snide text to one of my friends at Miami – “classy team you got there.” I expected him to express a bit of shame or embarrassment but instead, his reply read almost as if it was written by Lamar Thomas.

Hey, I suppose it’s a Cane Thing and I wouldn’t understand. But something I do understand is that if this year’s Miami was like Cane teams of old, FIU wouldn’t have come up in the OB talkin noise. They would have taken their beating and gone home thankful to have played an elite program at the Orange Bowl.

Thing is, they didn’t play an elite program; they played Larry Coker’s Hurricanes. The same Hurricanes that lost to Florida State, got blown out at Papa John’s Stadium, and aren’t within miles of a ranking. When you’re suiting up against this bunch, it’s a lot easier to walk into their house and disrespect them because the Canes aren’t the Canes anymore. Sure, the fight helped reclaim their badboy image, but the most important things that have defined The U – style, swagger, and great football – have been lost for 5 years. And in times like these, indignance in the face of disrespect is simply not permitted.
Hopefully, Lamar will figure that out before Comcast drops him like a sack of dirt.