Who Wants to be a Chinese Olympian?

Are you a diminutive person with a god complex and a really loud voice? If so, are you also Chinese or willing to become Chinese and suffer the dregs of Communism for a shot at an Olympic medal?

 

Well, if you fit all of those requirements, then you’re a perfect candidate for China’s newest reality game show – China Olympic Coxswain Competition!

 

China Central Television is searching for a man and woman from among the nation’s 1.3 billion people to man the role of coxswain for the 2008 rowing teams.

 

For the uninformed, the cox is the tiny individual sitting in the stern of a boat with eight rowers that shouts instructions to help steer the boat and motivate the team.

 

The show hopes to ride the popularity of other Chinese reality TV shows in China like "Super Female Voice," a singing contest that drew 400 million viewers to its 2005 finale. By comparison, "American Idol" drew 36 million viewers to its finale this year. But when you only permit your nation’s 1.3 billion proles to watch 3 channels for fear that free thinking could develop, 400 million viewers sounds just about right.

"This is the only sport in the Olympics in which such a competition could be held. The coxswain position is unique because you don’t need great physical strength, just mental strength," said Liu Ai Jie, vice-president of the China Water Sports Association, in an interview with The Wall Street Journal.

In addition to "mental strength," the competitors must be at least 16 years old and weigh less than 100 pounds. But anorexics need not apply as one must also be in good health. It should also be noted that "Everyone from the lowest peasant to old grannies can apply and can potentially be in the running for a gold medal."

Sounds grand doesn’t it? It’s too bad you need to be a citizen.. my Nana could henpeck the Chinese to Olympic gold.

The nationwide search begins in September, with 80 contestants selected based on essays and interviews. Trials during the show will test endurance, leadership skills, and the ability to handle pressure. 

Since all the person does is sit around barking orders, why they feel a need to test for endurance is anyone’s guess. What they ought to do is take my brilliant advice – really… I’m serious.

 

Here’s the deal China – I know you’re not down with Japan’s democratic ways but you should buy the rights to Takeshi’s Castle (known to Americans as SpikeTV’s MXC), the ’80s game show that featured  random Japanese citizens navigating a bizarre series of difficult physical contests while attempting to win horrible prizes like oven mitts and plates of food. 

And since the whole point of this show is to drum up national interest for an unknown sport, you rename the show The Forbidden City or Opium Garden or Tiananmen Mao – you know, something that resonates with the people. Then you turn the 80 competitors – equipped only with ill-fitting helmets, worn kneepads, and complete guilelessness – into the volunteer army that is out to sack the emperor. The man and woman that survive the rolling logs, skipping stones, falling rocks, stone doors, velcro walls, and the final showdown against Qin’s Army should be the Olympians!

It’s a foolproof plan, China. And I assure you, it’ll put that Super Female Voice crap to shame, as the promise of groin shots and painful, humiliating exits in knee deep mud will pull millions more viewers away from the government sanctioned shows airing on your other two channels.