Mama Zidane: I Want Materazzi’s Balls on a Platter

Zidane (n): A Frenchman of Kabyle Algerian descent widely recognized as the greatest football player of his generation; Zidane (v): To snap and go all battering ram on another person, ex. “He went Zidane on me!” “I’m gonna Zidane that motherfucker!”

Zinedine Zidane broke his silence to reveal that Marco Materazzi “pronounced very tough words about my mother and my sister. I tried not to listen to him but he kept repeating them… “I would rather have taken a punch in the jaw than have heard that.”

Zizou has a history of reacting savagely to slurs on his family and race. In his first week as a professional, he was sent to cleaning duty for punching an opponent who ridiculed his origins. In the 1998 World Cup, he stomped on Saudi Arabian captain Faoud Amin after being insulted. And while playing for the Old Lady in 2000, he head-butted Hamburg’s Jochen Kientz and received a five-match suspension.

Given the intensity of the game and the nature of soccer players in general, it’s likely that Zidane was was focusing moment to moment and went on auto-pilot when Materazzi opened his mouth. The likelihood that he had any conscious awareness of the consequences is probably slim. Zizou indicated as much in his live television interview this afternoon.

One theory goes that Materazzi said: “We all know you are the son of a terrorist whore.” Tragically for Marco, that this theory has reached Mama Zidane and though ailing in a hospital bed, she, too, has gone on auto-pilot. Malika Zidane has made it abundantly clear that she is out for blood.

While speaking in a fury to the Daily Mirror, Mrs. Zidane warned the Italian defender that she wants his “balls chopped off” for igniting the ugly row with her son, The Battering Ram. She further maintains that Zizou was simply protecting her honour when he knocked Materazzi into next week and she supports his actions.

“No one should be subjected to such foul insults on or off the football pitch and I don’t care if it was a World Cup Final. I have nothing but contempt for Materazzi and, if what he said is true, then I want his balls on a platter… Our whole family is deeply saddened that Zinedine’s career should end with a red card but at least he has his honour. Some things are bigger than football.” – Malika Zidane

Maybe we shouldn’t throw such blame at Zizou… can you imagine what his mother would have done to him if he hadn’t turned his noggin into a battering ram?

In other news, FIFA will soon meet to decide if Zinedine Zidane will be stripped of the Golden Ball. If this occurs, I hope FIFA will be smart enough to bestow the award upon Fabio Cannavaro, whose masterful efforts saved Italy on more than one occasion.

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Speaking of golden balls (or maybe shrunken ones), Shane Igoe of The Wade Blogs recently completed a video interview with Jessica Canseco.

Jose’s ex tells a wide variety of stories and hits on topics like Jose shooting up in the bathroom with other players, the slugger’s request for her to “name names” in her recent book, and his method of seduction when picking her up at a Hooters (hint: it’s all in the eyebrows).

The former Mrs. Juiced also bares all on her spread with Playboy and much more. As a side note, what is there to elaborate on with a Playboy shoot? I don’t mean to hate..well.. maybe I do.. but you take your clothes off, you get oiled, you look like you’re aching for it, and then they cut you a check. If something like this ever happened to me (not like it actually would) and I was asked for the lowdown, all I could possibly say is, “Hey, I got naked and then bought a new car with a portion of my ‘Goddamn, I’ve got a hot ass!’ money.” I’d probably slap my arse just to put a little exclamation on my comment but that’s all that would occur. I don’t know if that’d be worth the interview.

Anyway kids, check out the video. Ms. Canseco’s a pip.