I Can Finally Hate Bill Simmons
I wasn’t turned on to Bill Simmons until early 2003; I was late to the game. His stuff was okay.. enjoyable and sometimes funny but nothing I was pining to read. The first problem is that he was nothing special. He was a dork with a forum.. hell, I know my own kind; his nerdery wasn’t hard to spot. The second issue is that he frequently devoted 10,000 words to two things in which I have zero to little interest – Boston Sports and reality tv.
Maybe if he was into bottom-barrel VH-1 “celebreality,” I could have come around but on the whole, I was indifferent to his work… just another ESPN flunky trying to hard to prove to the audience that he’s always the funniest and most clever guy in the room. I wasn’t buying it and I tuned out. Nearly a year passed before a friend encouraged me to check out his archives and see what the true Boston Sports Guy was all about. He assured me that I didn’t know what I’d missed.
He was right. I was awestruck.
Simmons displayed a passion, love, and understanding of sports that completely blew my mind. They let this guy share his opinions with the masses? I couldn’t believe it and couldn’t figure out who he blackmailed into giving him a job. The Boston Sports Guy went against everything I knew sports writers to be. The sports media doesn’t have original ideas! They’re not witty or insightful or meaningful, and they certainly don’t know how to turn a phrase, so someone must’ve fallen asleep at the wheel on hiring day. Simmons was a breath of fresh air and I couldn’t apologize enough for not seeing the light sooner.
I am a junkie for two things – sports and the passionate, written word… Bill Simmons manufactured my drug of choice.
“Consider me a convert,” I later wrote to my Simmons pusher. I felt like a hyped up, new disciple getting ready to board Jesus’ Messiah train [I bet those were happenin' times]; I was ready to witness to the masses… but there was a problem – as time went by, I found myself hating the majority of the columns.
He complained about work and the tedious monotony of book signings, as if he was some worn out factory worker that’d been on the line for 15 years. He talked about his personal life, whined about his beta-male approach to women, and offered up “wild and crazy” anecdotes on poker-playing in Vegas and nights out with the boys.. stories that reminded me of my high school days when friends would come home from Spring Break bragging that they had 5 shots of rum and kissed a boy. Suddenly, I was nonplussed and uninterested.
I hit such a high reading his archives that I couldn’t understand how the new stuff could level me so quickly. Now, don’t get me wrong – I understand that Simmons evolved not only as a writer but also as a personality. I understand that he uses material from his personal life and pop culture to craft metaphors and analogies about sports. But there seemed to be a subtle turning point where, well, he shifted into this neutered shell of his former self.
Maybe it’s the result of having his hand in so many baskets – writing books, giving speeches, being a family man, battling Isiah Thomas. Maybe the fame had gone to his head and he mistakenly believed his new life was so cool and interesting that it’d be criminal not to treat the masses. Or maybe it’s the sad effect ESPN has on its free spirits over time. I don’t know. All I can really confirm about my second break with the Sports Guy is that I unfairly resented him for no longer being the same writer with which I’d recently fallen in love.
I didn’t return to Page2 until a friend, the same pusher mentioned above, advised that Simmons was getting into World Cup coverage and I should check it out. I had a feeling that if he was exposed to enough, he’d fall for the game, and maybe, just maybe, he’d begin to cover the sport. I imagined this whole “Well the Sports Guy is into it, so….” reaction from the public that would serve as a jumping-off point toward lessening the almost intentional hatred and ignorance that Americans have for the beautiful game. My hope was realised.
Not only has Simmons become a fan of the game but he went in search of an English Premier League team at which to throw all of his devotion. When I heard about his endeavor, I feared that he’d latch on to Chelsea or Manchester United as American bandwagon jumpers are want to do but he took a different approach… he weighed celebrity fans, jerseys, locations, history, table location, reputation, and bandwagon potential to settle on a team that was just right for him. And while he gets many things right and quite a few others wrong [I had some idiot call me a bandwagon jumper yesterday because I was wearing a Thierry Henry jersey and Simmons has incorrectly lead the masses to believe that Arsenal has a bigger bandwagon than Chelsea or Man U. Looks like he's an authority on Arsenal and the EPL now that he's done 1 week of "research"], he went about this process about as well as could be expected. Then he revealed his new team…
Bill Simmons settled on Tottenham Hotspur.
Let me explain something to you – I hate Tottenham Hotspur. It’s not just a petty fan thing where I say I hate them because I love Arsenal; it’s deeper and far more serious than that. I’m consumed with rage and bitterness for our North London neighbors and hate Hotscum in a way that is reserved for killers and rapists and the morally corrupt. I hate that club, I hate its fans (except you Toxic!), and now, I hate Bill Simmons.
Until this Scum revelation, I wasn’t interested in what Simmons had to say but for this reason alone, I’ve been pushed off the fence of Sports Guy indifference. I’m out for blood. Because of this, I’ll now read more of his work now than ever before, as I’ll have an insatiable need to take in every letter that he sees fit to print in order to shred it to bits and shake my hand at the sky and shout “Damn you Tottenscum!”
I’m about to become a Bill Simmons obsessive once again and for all the wrong reasons. It’s an exciting time. Are you ready for it? I know I am! One day, someone is going to stuff copies of that no-talent, bleeding rotter’s musings down his throat. And I hope I’m the one to do it. I hate Bill Simmons and one day, that dorkball cunt will realize what a grave error he’s made.
COME ON ARSENAL!
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I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.
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LOL Yeah you need help. Simmons work has fallen off track in the last couple years. I was reading him in the very beginning and he really was a breath of fresh air. I don’t make him a habit the way I used to but he still churns out great stuff from time to time.
Wow, you think Bill Simmons is a good writer, his shit is drivel. I’ve read better under drawings on the walls of my sons 2nd grade class. Lost a bunch of respect for you after reading that you like his columns, he’s a giant douche. But so are all of Englands soccer players so…………
How come you freakin limeys can’t play a real mans game like football?? Cricket playin’ wussies. You are one notch tougher than the French and that doesn’t say much. Goddamn fog breathers.
She said she liked his old stuff. I didn’t read anything anywhere that said she’s still a fan.
They do play football you idiot. Ooh, a french joke? Go eat your freedom fries and watch some more Hannity. Pathetic.
Back to the reason I wanted to comment, I can understand why you’d hate him for rooting for Tottenham, but really what were his options? Arsenal? I almost got into a fight with a guy at the bar a couple days ago for that reason and I’ll tell you about it later. But he didn’t want to go bandwagon, but wanted a team that isn’t pathetic. Not a bad choice. I know you are now obligated to hate him, but he did the right thing.
Ignore the big O. He’s just here to flame. This is the third sports blog I’ve read where he’s come out of nowhere with stupid, inflammatory bullshit.
I agree with Matt there. It was clear from the beginning that he’d stay with a team in London (what other teams are really in “fun” vacation spots) and considering all of his criteria, Tottenham was probably his only reasonable choice all along.
US Soccer should be writing a letter of thanks to Simmons though. They need all the help from people in his position that they can get.
I appreciate the bloke’s enthusiasm but he missed the boat on a great many issues in that column. I give him one season of Spurs heartache before he moves on to a new love.
Cheers Flash, must be the exception that proves the rule ;�)
He ain’t half got a point about that celeb list for the ARSE and about the recent bandwagon jumpers, 10 years ago you wouldn’t see an ARSE shirt anywhere outside N5.
American Football….man’s game….now rugby there’s a man’s game.
I’m from Boston and read Simmons in the very beginning but I can’t stand the shit he peddles now. I think the fame has gotten to him. He’s got the readership now and he doesn’t have to try. People will read him daily just waiting for that great piece that he pushes out once every 3 months.
Don’t worry, Flash, you got me converted to an Arsenal fan. Screw Simmons.
I know what you mean about him. I still check his page a couple times a week, but I rarely read the articles (uninteresting). I get tired of reading about things I don’t care about over and over: the red sox, la clippers, espeeecially the patriots (i hate them, i hate tom brady, and i hate everything else about them). The only interesting things that he does is talk about the old days of basketball when the celtics were cool.
haha When I read that he picked Tottenham, I knew you wouldn’t take it well
imagine how many bandwagon Spurs fans he created just with his pick.
What made you so freaking angry? This guy pisses you off THIS much?
Ha, Goldie… I was thinking the same thing, actually, “I wonder when we can exect a Flash post bashing the Spurs?” It only took a few days, as it turns out.
As far as picking Hotspur, (bracing myself for the backlash…) but its a pretty well inspired choice. I would have bet my last dollar that he would have gone for Liverpool as the “non-obvious but still obvious” choice, if only to sing “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. Instead, he goes for an up-and-coming squad with some great young England internationals (and should have been internationals) and a downtrodden 2nd (or 3rd) Banana history – Not terribly unlike the LA Clippers, actually. Other than that, I was pretty dissapointed that he didn’t drop any Paul Gascoigne references.
The good news is, even if 100,000 Spurs fans were born overnight, one can only hope that this just leads to more top-flight European club and EPL games being broadcast here in the states. Maybe we can see another team except for Chelsea on FSC for once.
Flash, all I ask is that you share with us any vitriolic letters you fire off to Simmons if the Spurs makes some noise this season.
This bloke is a twat.
Cozmo, what would ever lead you to believe Simmons would drop a Gascoigne reference? He’s not a real fan and he only sounds like he knows what he’s talking about because 18,000 people sent him e-mails and even then he only gets half of it right. The only way he was going to know Gascoigne’s name is if 1,000 of his lemming readers had given it to him.
Pessler:
Cozmo is the premier twat in the comment section. He drops in frequently to express shock or indignance about trivial matters often involving football and does so in a way that allows us all to be reminded (yet again) just how knowledgeable and international a sportsman he truly is.
It is not reasonable to believe Bill Simmons would have made a Gazza reference given his extraordinarily limited knowledge but with Cozmo cleverly making the reference we may now be impressed by *his* wisdom.
That summed it up pretty nicely barker
Sorry, fellas. I thought that Gazza jokes were always welcome.
Must have touched a nerve.
They’re just mad because you’re always being a tool
Matt, calm down dude. Sorry I shouldn’t have to specify “playing football WELL.” I read on here that somebody thinks Rugby is a real mans game. Really?? Looks like a bunch of dudes in a freakin big wad runnin around tryin to grope each other. I know the rules and the object of the “game” but still, what the fuck are they doing?? Oh, and I have no problem w/ the French, I rooted for them in the world cup final (but only due to the Brotha Factor) french women are hot as hell, but you must admit when a dude speaks french he sounds like a sissy, and when is the last time you’ve even heard of a manly french dude??? Sorry Matt didn’t mean to get your panties in a bunch. Chill.
Oh, and Kyle, GET DEEZ.
In rugby doing pretty much the same as in your “football” except without the big girlie pads, helmets and going off every 30 seconds for a breather.
goddamn Barker! Cozmo’s a pretty big tool but if anybody is the twat, it’s Bill Simmons.
“big girlie pads” Sure girlie pads. Did you ever stop to think why pads are REQUIRED in football, but not in Rugby??? Doesn’t that show you the more violent and more dangerous sport??? If not then you are in denial, imagine the speed and viciousness of the NFL if those cats didn’t wear helmets and pads. Players would die every week. If Rugby is so tough, how come no Rugby players make it to the NFL??? You know if they could they would, the money is waaaaaay better. I don’t think that they could hack it, they don’t have the speed, athletic ability or testicular fortitude that it requires to play football at that level. Don’t kid yourself, if they could they would, but they can’t so they don’t. Thanks though.
BigO, who said you could wander off and talk your gibberish over here? But you really have no idea about football and rugby. If football players did not wear pads, they really would injure themselves. But not because of the reasons you are talking about. Instead because many NFL players have no idea how to tackle a player.
Do you think Rodney Harrison would be so cavalier to stick his head into the knee of an opposing quarterback if he didn’t have a helmet on? It’s like a guy holding a gun thinking he’s tougher than a bare-knuckle fighter.
Rugby players are actually schooled in the technique of tackling a player without getting killed. Something your average defensive back could not do. It’s not to say that NFL players are not great athletes. They are. They just don’t know how to tackle people.
But none of this is registering, huh?
NFL (yeah right) Adam,
“who said you could wander off and talk your gibberish over here?”
I need no permission chump, especially not from you. You can flap your gums all you want about rugby, but as far as tackling, they are tackling dudes right next to them, there is no forward pass in rugby (the main reason that the game looks like a gay man-orgy) so they don’t have to chase anyone down. We can argue until we’re blue in the face (well, you could) but we’ll let the numbers speak for themselves. How much money did the National Rugby league (or whateverthefuck) bring in, and then please give me the NFL numbers. I think that will solve which sport is even worthwhile. I really don’t see why you are even arguing this with me, you and I both know that Rugby is the Gayest thing since Dom DeLouise.
Oh yeah and as to your question about Rodney Harrison. Hell muthafuckin yeah he would still go full bore, that dude is a fuckin maniac. Look at Ken Hamlin from my Seahawks this cat got a skull fracture last season in a fight outside a nightclub and he’s gonna play this season, so you know he’d play without a helmet, so would almost every player in the NFL. You have to be a little fuckin crazy to play that game at that level.
Ride motorcycles without a helmet? Hell yes. But if they ever had to play a game without a helmet it would look a whole lot different.
Apologies to the regular Flashoholics for having to put up with this guy.
Thanks NFL Adam you’re my hero. You’re like a real life Cpt. Save-a-ho. Protecting us from the big bad guy, we really feel warm inside now that you’ve apologized for someone voicing their opinion. We realize you feel differently, so that must make BigO wrong. Thank you NFL Adam, you’re my only hope.
ThebigO runs his mouth like a man who can’t walk and chew gum at the same time let alone have the balls to play soccer, rugby, OR football.
I’ve read a number Bill Simmons’ work but never really fancied them. Maybe it’s because he mainly talked about things I shared little interest in but his writing on choosing an EPL team was okay. He missed the mark on a number of teams and I agree with Pessler though, Bill came off looking like he made the piece up from numerous email suggestions. But I give him kudos for trying, not jumping on a bandwagon team (Chelsea) and coming up with a team to route for even if it were Hotspurs.
Big O: Your display of irritable ignorance and stupidity is another reason why Flash should have a systems for blocking users….if only to spare us the fall in our respective IQs from your idiotic ramblings.
Spot on NFL Adam
wtf has money got to do with it, let’s see rugby played in a country with a population of about 60m brings in less cash than a game in a country with 4 to 5 times the population, who would have guessed.
Just casting the vote for banning thebigo. having different opinions that most people is one thing but this guy comes here specifically to act like a dick and piss everybody off.
Gee, I wonder what everyone who wants me banned has in common, hmmmmmmmmmmmm. No really let’s think about this. I’d bet money that they all share the caucasian persuasion.
What does money have to do with it???? You’re absolutly right “toxic”, the number 1 money making sport in America, would come in second to rugby anyday. You guys are absolutly right. Rugby is sooooo awesome. Football sucks, it’s played by complete sissys, mainly for the fact that it’s American right??? Eurotrash douchebags.
Ah, so it’s all racism, is that right, BigO? Big mean whitey’s just out to get ya in the comment section, huh?
Frankly, I’m amazed that someone who posts with the e-mail addresses – LiqaSto@hotmail.com, Bigboi_1976@hotmail.com, and Bigboi1976@hotmail.com – would ever have the audacity to cry racism but I suppose that’s what we have here. As such, I’m gonna fill you in on a little secret — three people expressing displeasure for your presence are *gasp* black! Whodda thunk it?! Zoogs, Koester, and Shawne don’t want you here and neither do I. Now, I’m sure you’re eager to fire back that I’m either lying or that they’re all sell outs but I’ll be honest with you… if anybody is of the “caucasion persuasion” around here, it’s probably you. Your tripe reads like the dialogue of a bad BET sitcom and in no way is it believable as the thoughts and opinions of anyone that ought to (or wants to) be taken seriously.
Since you won’t do us a favor by leaving of your own accord, you are banned and unwelcome to return. I wish you godspeed in your quest to annoy the shit out of the poor people frequenting other blogs. I don’t know if sonicscentral.com will have you back but maybe they’re willing to forgive all of your aliases and douchebaggery [TheBigO poses here as LiqaSto and bigboi and no one likes him because they're racists] and welcome you back with open arms.
nicely done, woman. that cat had to go.
Bill Simmons’ musings are the biggest waste of time. I am born and raised in Boston and for years couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone who wanted to blow this guy at the drop of a hat. He’s about as talented at writing as Steven Hawking. Some people say they go to his Page 2 every so often to see if there is anything worth reading there and to those people I say “You have a stomach made of steel” because after about one paragraph of this guy’s crap, I want to throw up. I think what infuriates me so much about all the hype associated with him is, people treat him like he is a rare commodity when, in reality, he is everywhere. He is you. He is me. He is your Dad. ANYONE could do what he does! Now that I’ve moved from Boston to NYC (Sorry Boston, I still love you), the only comforting thing I have to lean on is the fact that New Yorkers see right through this a-hole too.
Oh, and on the EPL thing, I wish he would just go back to commenting on crap baseball or football or whatever shit he spews. Leave the real game to people who understand it. As an American I support Chelsea (I know, I know ‘bandwagon right?) Well, call me bandwagon if you must but I at least have travelled from the States over to Stamford Bridge 4 times since I fell in love with them and have seen the likes of Zola, Gullit, Hughes and Vialli play in the Blue, long before Abramovich swooped in.
I agree, Boston Native. I drank the kool-aid for about a month and when I stopped reading, I figured he’d become a different writer. The reality is that he was never that good… I was just fascinated by the fact that an average sports fan who was as excited about sports as I was had a place for his thoughts. Shame on me.
As for your being a Chelsea fan.. you were on board before the arrival of the Red Mafia and I can wholly respect that. These bandwagon gits don’t know what they’re missing in the likes of Zola, Vialli, Gullit, and Hughes. They were all an absolute joy to watch. Though people give all credit to Abramovich for the Blues’ resurgence, it began with those brilliant players… much to my chagrin.