I Wish Samuel L. Jackson Owned Sports Teams

I don’t care about basketball anymore… There was a time when I thought it was the greatest game ever invented and that the players were gods among men. Then the bulk of the Dream Team retired and I realized that 90% of the players were selfish prima donnas more interested in highlight reels than actually playing the game. My interest hung on by a thread through the last couple years of the ’90s and officially tapped out somewhere around championship 2 of the Laker Threepeat.

Nowadays I watch the highlights on SportsCenter and try not to fall asleep during the playoffs… aside from diva drama, nothing interesting ever seemed to happen. And then AI and Chris Webber didn’t show for the game last night… when I first saw the news, I was disappointed. For all the negatives that come with AI, I admired him as a basketball player. He always left it all on the floor, always played injured (is it me or has he been injured since, oh, 1998?) and after watching him weep and boo hoo on some interviews, I was starting to develop a soft spot for the little guy… but this just confirms that I’m a dumb ass.

As you all know, he and Chris Webber pulled diva duty and didn’t show until 5 minutes before tipoff on fan appreciation night in Philly. My quarrel, however, isn’t with them — things like this are part of the reason why I’ve given up on the NBA. It’s with Billy King. Did you see his “tirade?” What a freaking amateur. I know King is important and being business-like and professional is the name of the game but look at this:

“I’m not sitting here worrying about, yes, should they be here? It’s going to be addressed. They’re going to be fined. That’s all the [bleep] I can do about it. I can’t sit here and keep a stopwatch to let you guys know when they’re here.

“They’re not here. When they get here, they’ll be late and they’ll be [bleeping] fined. That’s what the [bleep] I’m going to talk about. All right? Our team is not good right now. I know that, and worrying about the [bleep] that they’re late or not doesn’t do any [bleeping] bit of good to be sitting here worrying about it.

“We didn’t make the playoffs. I’ve got a lot of [bleeping] work to do, and this is some [bleep] that is a distraction to me. Am I pissed off? You’re goddamn right I am. Is that what you want to hear? You [bleeping] heard it.”

Six bleeps and you don’t even need to loosen your tie? Come on, Billy! You’re not allowed to drop f-bombs and other bleepables while using a tone that makes me wonder if you just gave me a stock tip. If you’re going to set a few bleeps and bleepings loose, break a sweat while you do it because David Stern is going to fine you anyway! This professional stuff is for the birds and it’s why I wish Samuel L. Jackson was an owner or general manager of a professional sports team. Imagine the tirade if Iverson and Webber tried to punk Samuel L. the way they’ve done Billy King and the 76ers –

I won’t hold my breath on Samuel L. owning or managing a franchise but if he ever works his way into the NBA, I think I’ll be able to rationalize hopping back on the fanwagon.