Please Barry, Pass The Babe Today!
In the beginning, I was insensed that Barroids was going to juice his way to the greatest record in sports but, ya know, I simply don’t care anymore. The articles, columns, and books.. the crawl on ESPN with the "Chasing Ruth" section, Bonds on Bonds. How much more will we be forced to endure?? I’ve decided to start cheering for Bonds. It sounds crazy and I know he’s a cheating dickbag but hear me out. Unless someone snipes Barroids from the top of the stands or Jeff Gilooly’s him when he gets to 713, nothing, not even the bone chips floating freely through his outer extremeties will prevent him from passing Babe Ruth. As such, I’ve realized that the faster Barry Bonds meets and surpasses 714, the happier I’ll be, as the fuss will go away and will likely take Barry with it. If just for a week, I want his bone chips to heal. I want his knee to get better.. If he can heal long enough to hit 4 more home runs, life can return to normal and we can get back to talking about things like.. well.. I don’t remember what we were talking about pre-Game of Shadows but I bet it was good!
Now some of you may be wondering what will happen if Bonds’ healing isn’t temporary… if he magically gets better and forces us to endure his campaign to pass Hank Aaron. … Did you ever see the movie "Death Becomes Her?" Probably not. It stars Bruce Willis, Meryl Streep, and Goldie Hawn and the actresses play women who were friends in their youth but become rivals after a man (Bruce Willis) gets between them. Goldie Hawn gets depressed and fat, Streep turns into a movie star, and twenty years later, Hawn discovers a magic potion that reverses the aging process and gives immortality. Somehow, Streep gets the potion also and after some issues, they’re murdered and turn into a hotter version of Night of the Living Dead. Shenanigans ensue, as they find ways to keep their dead bodies from completely falling apart… they’re screwing fingers back on, popping knees and shoulders back into place, touching up gunshot wounds, etc. Well, this is Barry Bonds. The slugger took his magic hormone potion to reverse the aging process and evolved from a great player into a legendary player. But now things have taken a turn for the worse and he’s in the "keep my dead body from falling apart" mode, which forces him to piece himself together before taking the field. You wonder why Barry can’t play a night game before a day game? He’s probably too busy drilling his knee back in! His bones are chipped, his knees are plastic, he has a head that looks like it doubles as a womb for one of the creatures from "Aliens"… this guy knows better than to stay around! He’s gotta retire before his limbs start falling off in the basepaths. The Hammer’s record is safe and soon, we will be as well.
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I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.
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I wouldn’t be surprised if he hits 713 and something crazy happened. Some psycho out there is plotting, bet on it.
Dammit JJ, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of being discrete…
I cannot support this rooting for Barroids. He might still get hit by a car or something.
And finally, the only reason I saw that piece of shit movie is because you made me
Haha I hope no one kills him! If they do, in time, he’ll become a martyr or something and that’ll be even worse than breaking the record.
She got me on that one too Geiger.. same damn movie. I don’t know how that happened but I’m never watchin it again. That’s easily one of the worst movies ever made.
But back to Bonds, I think you’re right. He’ll retire at the end of the season and I don’t think we’re really gonna hear from him much, if at all, ever again.
haha Let that be a lesson to all. Avoid her on nights when TBS is showing a marathon of shitty movies with Mo’Nique and other bad actors or she’ll suck you in and make you watch.
The furor might die down after 715 but Bonds won’t. As much as the media hounds him for being a cheater, they’re gonna be all over his nuts for at least a month afterwards with the speculation that he has 2 years and 40 HRs left in him. Bonds won’t officially leave us until he writes his introspective memoir about how shitty and racist baseball fans are.
I see your point but I’m still holding out hope someone shoots him in the next 2 days. They don’t have to kill him… just cap him in the elbow and create a few thousand more bone chips.
I’m glad someone else is rooting for Ole Baroids. I’ve been rooting for him since the beginning of last year when it became clear that it was not fashionable to do so. Now with the bandwagon bashing at a fever pitch I rejoice at every disgraced homer bringing sports commentators one step closer to pulling out their hair. (I’m also going to invest in some major hair implant company after 712). Keep pluggin away Barry, maybe 715 will trigger the implosion of ESPN.