Well kids, it’s 420. The last day of Passover has finally arrived and come sunrise, Ill be feeding my Buddha a couple sausage mcmuffins, a side of latkes, and a lemon-lime Gatorade. And guess what else today is)! That’s right – Adolf Hitler’s birthday. And in 2008, Pesach actually begins on his birthday. Coincidence? Probably. But I’ll furrow my brow in suspicion just for kicks. But ya know something, it’s really too bad 420 day didn’t exist back in the 1930s.
Der Führer could have taken some hits of the ganjah to celebrate his birthday. Over time, he’d develop a habit and slowly but surely mellow out. Would he have still hated the Jews? Probably. Would he still have been crazy? Definitely. But in exchange for one bag of Cheetos and a plastic cup of oversugared grape Kool-Aid, Adolf Hitler wouldn’t have dragged his sorry ass off the couch to do anything about us. Weed could have saved millions, a few of my relatives included.
In any case, let’s move on for today’s nominees for people/groups who need to be shuffled loose the mortal coil with no regrets:
Curt Schilling – this post’s other German dickbag. While on WEEI radio, Ketchup said the reason the Red Sox and Devil Rays have had numerous bench-clearing incidents is because 22 year old Scott Kazmir hits “multiple batters every time he threw against us. I don’t know if any of it was intentional, but he kept hitting players.” Nevermind the fact that the Sox and the Rays were having squabbles before Kazmir was even in the bigs. Luckily for us, the Logic Master continues, ”We made it clear to them, for the most part, that we were only throwing at guys on their team because their young pitchers couldn’t throw inside. Obviously, he’s getting better and he’s learning. But you don’t learn to pitch in the big leagues inside, you learn how to do that in the minor leagues. And you can’t do that here because you get people hurt.” Oh really? In 7 starts against the Red Sox, Kazmir has hit 5 batters. However, in those games, Red Sox pitchers have hit a total of 10 Devil Rays. That headhunting policy is sheer brilliance.
Montgomery City Council – The City Coucil has a message for late civil rights icon Rosa Parks and other blacks who were mistreated in Montgomery during the Civil Rights Era: “We’re sorry.” The majority-white council voted unanimously Tuesday to make a formal apology after the Alabama Legislature approved a bill that sets up a process to pardon Parks and hundreds of others arrested for violating segregation-era laws. Nice work, you bleeding rotters! She’s been dead since last October and you couldn’t manage an apology before then? They had 50 years to get this done and even if you argue that it never would have happened in the 60s, 70s, 80s, OR the 90s, they couldn’t get the stones in the new millenium? Remember when asshats would say dumb shit like “Oh you can’t act like that! It’s the year 2000!” “Well, I’m doin this and this cuz it’s the year 2000.” Same message to you, Montgomery City Council!! By the year 2000, you shoulda been on the case. Christ, you could have apologized to give her a good 90th birthday present! But no, not you. Seven months after the woman kicks it, “Oops… we didn’t mean it 
!” Shameful.
Philips (electronics company) – The company has invented a way based on existing digital television technology to stop people from fast forwarding and/or changing channels to avoid commercials… which makes it the worst invention in the history of mankind. What’s amazing is that Philips acknowledges how much suck is involved here, so their patent suggests that “the system could offer viewers the chance to pay a fee interactively to go back to skipping adverts.” Make me pay to skip a commercial??? FUCK YOU, PHILIPS! If anyone wants to form a hitsquad with me and make a trip to the Netherlands to enforce justice on Philips, just let me know.
That’s enough anger for this afternoon. Cheers and Happy 420 day to all!
I am a jaded, sarcastic girl prone to unreasonable fits of rage. This site is my outlet. I am not classy, nice, or fair. It's best you know that up front.
it’s the most wonderful day of the year
Fuck that. I’ll join the hitsquad. These guys should be killed just for thinking something like this up. That’s insane!
What sucks is now that Schilling seems to be back to 100%, we’re going to hear even more from him. Is there any other player in baseball, other than Bonds, that is so in love with hearing himself talk?
Rickey Henderson? Oh, you said in baseball…
Haha nice Matt.
You know I’ll join the hit squad. As for Rosa Parks though, 7 months after her death is a pretty pathetic move but I’m honestly surprised they bothered to apologize at all.
If the hitsquad can somehow squeeze Philips’ soccer team into the schedule sign me up.
It was also no coincidence that 4/20 was the same day of the end of the NBA regular season. It was probably like Christmas for most of those guys.
i saw the rosa parks apology on the news a couple days ago and they were beaming about what amazing progress this is. at first i thought that was ridiculous but they’re probably right. who would have ever thought they’d apologize? i didn’t think it was a remote possibility.
There was a time when 4-20 was a day I’d skip class, sit around the fraternity house, and make myself retarded for the entire day.
The key was to be taking a hit at 4:20.
But then I grew up, traded my bong for a diploma, had a kid, a real job and … well, things just don’t seem nearly as interesting.
Although I do seem to remember a lot more stuff, and my Funyun intake has been reduced dramatically. So I’ve got that goin’ for me …
… which is nice.
Could the Philips thing even be legal? It just seems like forcing someone to watch commercials violates some basic right to happiness
Schilling has to go but so does Favre. I’ve had enough of that guy. Where was I when he turned into huge asshole?
Schill is the man. All those who want to see him go would LOVE to have him on their team. I’m sure as hell glad he is on mine. Otherwise, we’d be at 88 years in waiting!
Um, by “have to go” she’s not saying he’s a bad player, just that he’s an idiot. But congrats on completely missing the point.
Wow. I expected the inevitable Red Sox fan to jump in and completely miss the point of the post altogether to happen a little sooner than the 12th comment. It’s too bad she didn’t mention that somebody like Sheffield had to go. We could have been privileged enough to have one of their blinded by loyalty idiots jump in as well.