Scary, er, Kerry Collins – Cut Yourself!

Dear Kerry Collins:

Your arrival in Oakland in May 2004 depressed me so much my sex drive slowed to an idle and I stopped eating. Soccer aside, food and sex are the only things that matter to me, so it’s more than fair to say that you temporarily ruined my life. Things shaped up for me over the summer and I allowed myself to feel joy once again but then, in game 3, Rich Gannon pulled a Crash Test Dummy move near the goalline and you officially entered our lives like a stake through the heart. I cried that night and many nights since… 28 to be exact. With you under center, the Raiders were 7-21 and during that time, you threw 31 interceptions, got sacked 63 times, and either threw the ball away or dumped it off to someone like Tyrone Wheatley or Lamont Jordan for a 3 yard gain because you panicked before seeing Jerry Porter and Randy Moss breaking away from the secondary far too many times to count. Now, I know I’ve said this before but it bears repeating — You are an underachieving trainwreck that handles pressure about as well as Barney Fife. Outside of fantasy football (where you’re the equivalent of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man), your existence only offers value to the opposing team’s defense. You’d think that if Randy Moss could get Chad Pennington into the NFL, he’d be able to turn you into a demigod but oh no, not you. Your inability to turn big stats and huge plays into wins made me wonder if we should be checking your bank account… who can lose that badly without putting for an effort to do so? In all this time, I’ve learned that you are only capable of three things: prancing to the sideline after pussing out in the pocket, tossing interceptions, and overthrowing everyone on the field by 15 yards. You always talked a better game than you played and had more courage when facing media and critics than when you were facing a blitz. And now that you’re supposed to be gone, my fuckwit compatriots in Raider Nation are calling for the now-second string, Andrew Walter, to be the player that takes us back to the Super Bowl. I suppose Walter, who couldn’t even manage to take the second string job from the horribly ineffective Marques Tuiasosopo, can’t be any worse than an inept pod who looks like he seeks out glory hole action in the restrooms of parks and truck stops. Hell, Walter could be the savior! As one delusional poster of Raiderfans.net notes in a Vince Young vs. Andrew Walter thread:

"We should try Walter first and address the other pressing needs of the team. Young is not a once in a lifetime QB. Walter sheds men off him like Brady/Elway, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that mobility issue."

Sheds men off like Brady/Elway… well case closed then! We’re on our way back! See what you’ve done to these people, Kerry? Raiders fans have enough problems… and delusions of grandeur was already one of them. Why’d you have to pile on? Looking at your sad, pointy face through your little helmet after you overthrew the open man by 15 yards (again) made me ill. Seeing your confusion, as you failed to sell the play action for the 18th time only to be sacked made me want to get violent. Watching you drop back 28 fucking yards after every snap drove me to absolute distraction but you know what? That’s just fine! That’s okay because we can make it all better if you just cut yourself. Waive yourself. Walk away. Last night, I went to bed so full of happiness because I finally found out that we’d tossed you aside but then today – you’ve been UNcut! Over the last 3 years, I’ve said a lot of prayers about this and even though you didn’t die like I wanted you to, it really seemed that the NFL’s salary cap issues would do the job instead but alas, you’re STILL HERE. I’m supposed to be patient. I’m supposed to accept that things happen in "God’s time" and He works in mysterious ways but I’m sick of waiting on God! God is slow! God is chillin out! God doesn’t care!!! Kill yourself, Waive yourself, Cut yourself, JUST LEAVE THE BAY! Please!

Cheers & good luck ruining the lives of other fans,
Flash Warner