Please Die, Al Davis

I saw an article on Yahoo! Sports whose headline read “Raiders’ ‘Just Win’ Mantra Dooms Turner.” As if it was ever that dramatic. Any mantra short of “Just Don’t Suck” left Turner in the depths and now that non-coaching bastard is gone, so huzzah. Having said that, I remain unsatisfied. The Oakland Raiders Restoration Project is a two-part process and firing our rag of a coach was only the first step; the second and most important is death.

Al Davis, you’re up, buddy.

Ya see Al, with you at the helm, the Oakland Raiders will suffer another 10 years of coaching retreads, “scheme” guys, and softball personalities. There will be no leadership and there will be no progress. God forbid you put some leaders on the roster or pay top dollar for a great coach that you can leave alone and support. Oh no. Not you. You need a puppet that’s as useful as my boyfriend after a blowjob and that, Al, is why you must be shuffled loose the mortal coil. Continuing to tolerate your existence is in direct violation of the “Commitment to Excellence,” a way of life that I, as a Raider fan, hold near and true to my heart. As a result, it’s over. Pack it up, bring a couple coins for the boatman, and we’ll be on our way. Just to make sure you go out in style, I’m gonna get Death to pick you up in a pimped out ’76 El Dorado… we’ll take that bad boy across the River Styx instead. How ya like that?

**Somehow, the death of Al Davis will not save the Raiders from Mike Martz, the NFL’s smarmy doer of great evil… I weep for the future.