Danica Patrick Marries Oldster

Danica Patrick, age 23, married physical therapist and resident oldster, Paul Hospenthal (pictured on the left) on Saturday in Scottsdale, Arizona. Patrick met the 40-year old Hospenthal while seeking treatment for a hip injury from a yoga session. What kind of pod injures a hip while harnessing her chi? And apart from that, I didn’t even know it was okay to pick up a man while he’s getting personal with your hips and thighs each day on an orthopedic table. I’ve been through tons of physical therapy for ACL injuries and the like and I’ve yet to pick up a man in this process. I wish I’d known there were new rules. Sure, most the PT guys in our training room lack a certain salt n’ pepper charm but there must be a couple Social Security recipients in the athletic department who think I’m a right catch. I’m still waiting to be treated to a Long John Silver’s dinner courtesy of an AARP card discount but since I’ve never thrown out a hip, my potential suitors may not think we have anything in common.

All that said, good luck to Danica. I hope she’s found forever happiness with her wise, mature man. When she has kids, I bet his Medicare will cover the expenses; her millions will be protected.