Kellen Winslow, Jr. Assaulted by Curb

I’ve never wished ill will on the Cleveland Browns. How can you? It’s like hoping the kid with down syndrome trips. But due to certain circumstances, I try to pull for them when I can. So when the Browns first drafted “a fuckin soldjah,” I cringed but hoped it would work out. When he held out for 12 days in an effort to secure a deal similar to Charles Rogers’ (even though he’s a rookie that plays a position about as sexy as a dented ’78 Chevy Nova), I continued hoping for the best. Then, during non-contact 7 on 7s, he blew up Roosevelt Williams.

And then, having never taken a snap in the NFL or knowing what it truly takes to prepare for a battle on the professional gridiron, he challenged his teammates to match his level of aggression. I don’t know about Browns fans but in my humble opinion, Junior’s opportunities to redeem himself from a history of ego-driven histrionics and idiocy were well exhausted.

Could I root for Cleveland while simultaneously hoping for repeated beatdowns from veterans and Ray Lewis doing that epileptic fit dance all over Winslow’s face? Not a chance. This guy was supposed to open up the Browns offense. If Cleveland does well, he’s the likely cause. I just couldn’t live with that. Besides, it’s much easier to root for a player and against his team than the other way around. Luckily, the Dallas Cowboys took care of that for me:

CLEVELAND (Sept. 20, 2004) — Kellen Winslow Jr. broke his right leg during the Cleveland Browns’ loss against Dallas and is expected to miss a major portion of his rookie season. The Browns said the tight end has a broken fibula. Typically, the injury will sideline a player for 6-to-8 weeks.

What a fascinating turn of events. Thanks, Dallas! I imagine he spent the whole winter rehabbing and recovering, preparing himself for a breakout sophomore season – The Chosen One cometh. And then:

WESTLAKE, Ohio (May 2, 2005) — Browns tight end Kellen Winslow sustained internal injuries when he was thrown from a motorcycle, the team said. Winslow, who missed most of last season with a broken right leg, also has swelling in his right shoulder and right knee. The extent of those injuries won’t be known until further tests are performed and the swelling subsides. The Browns didn’t provide details of Winslow’s internal injuries, but said they are not life-threatening. Winslow had complained of chest pains after he was injured May 1. Winslow is being treated at the Cleveland Clinic by the team’s medical staff, Browns spokesman Bill Bonsiewicz said. He will be hospitalized overnight and there is no timetable for his release, the team said.

What? How stupid do you have to be to ride a motorcycle at 35 mph in A PARKING LOT? Who could have imagined that a curb would jump out in his way and send him flying over his handlebars? (pre-crash video)

The 21-year-old Winslow was wearing a helmet, but it wasn’t strapped on and flew off his head… He landed in a landscaped area at the edge of the parking lot, falling hard enough to tear out a small tree… He was testing the bike out learning to ride.

Somebody oughta put this braintrust out of his misery, but what more can you expect from a Miami Hurricane? After two knee surgeries, it’s always advisable to learn how to ride crotch rockets in a parking lot, especially when you wear a helmet and don’t strap it on. He’d have had as much protection with a birthday hat from Chuck E. Cheese.

Were I the Browns, I’d be suing his dumb ass for breach of contract. This guy is a complete disaster and he’ll be nothing but trouble for the rest of his NFL career…

Maybe the Raiders will trade for him.